This is a difficult post for me to write as it digs deep into my emotional suffering from my miscarriages. Anyone who has ever suffered a miscarriage understands the heartache, pain and suffering it causes. I lost 5 babies. This was one of the hardest things I have ever encountered and honestly wasn’t sure if I would ever get my strength back. Each one of those babies meant something to me. Yes, they were all 1st trimester losses (between 7.5-10w) and 1 even a chemical, but they were my babies and I loved every second of carrying them. My 1st one was nearly 3 years ago and my most recent one was a couple of months ago (November of 2015). Sure, time does help and I am ok overall (finally), but that doesn’t mean I am over it. Honestly, I will never be over it. It all ended way too early and is so unfair! I miss them and want them in my arms so bad.
In the time that I have had 5 losses, I have seen many friends and family get pregnant and have 1 baby and some even were lucky enough to have 2 babies. Going through a miscarriage is one of the most challenging things I have had to endure, but after 5 losses I have learned how to get my strength back. It certainly wasn’t easy! As I always have mentioned in my past posts, writing is my outlet to let go. It is my way to mourn and heal. This is one of the things that helps me tremendously. So recently I have decided to write a letter to my angel babies. It is very raw and emotional, but I promise you it has a bright side. It has hope! I have learned that is one of the things that help me through this journey. HOPE!
Dearest Angel Babies,
I now have 5 of you little angels with wings who flew away to heaven to be with G-d all too quickly. From the minute I saw those two lines on my pregnancy tests, I had a glimmer of hope. I thought about each and every one of my angels every day and every night and sometimes still do. I thought of holding you and watching you play with your big brother. I thought about what activities/sports you would play, and what color your hair would be. I thought about what your room would look like. I thought about reading to you, snuggling you and nursing you! I thought about what we would name you and even had names picked out at one point.
Every single time I was pregnant, I had a fun announcement planned hoping and praying that I would finally get to share my joy of growing you in my belly and bringing praying that I get to bring you into this world. But no, I didn’t get to announce my joy of my babies. I didn’t get to hold you or watch you play with your big brother. I didn’t find out what your favorite activity would be or what color hair you have. I didn’t get to read to you, hold you, nurse you or snuggle you close to my side. It was all too quick and just like that my heart was broken into a million pieces.
Every second you were in my belly, I longed for you more. The heartbeats I saw were a small flicker of hope that soon would be torn away. It was like a stab in the heart every single time, and left me with emptiness and heartache.
Why? Why did this happen to me? What the hell did I do wrong to have this happen to me not once, twice, three times, no not even four times, but five sweet precious babies? WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?
Then I realized that it wasn’t anything I did. It wasn’t anything G-d did to punish me. This took me a very long time to shake the feeling of guilt and blame. I guess after 5 losses you learn how to cope. Yes, I was so lost and empty for a long time, but I learned that this is out of my control and to keep my faith in G-d. Honestly, this was the only thing that kept me going. I am not a religious person by any means, but certainly am spiritual.
I will never let go of my hope in my heart. I know that G-d keeps my angels safe and know that you are all watching over our little family. Until then, I will keep hoping and praying that one glorious day, this storm shall pass and bring me a beautiful bright rainbow. My rainbow baby!
Love and Baby Dust,